I Hope a Unicorn Poops on Your Forehead card

Uh-oh! Your best friend's birthday is coming up and you haven't gotten her a present yet. Yes, I have been reading your diary. But fret not, young child! I have the perfect birthday card (or greeting card for just... anybody. Because unicorns are freaking awesome, bruh) for you to give her. It's so impressively adorable and sweet, she'll forget that you forgot to include any money. Heck, you don't even need to sign the inside. You can literally just... forget about her altogether. Order a pack of like a hundred and you're set to forget people for the rest of your life, but not to die alone like the self-absorbed misanthrope that you really are.